


The Dance

by parkrstark



Series: Life's a Dance [2]
Category: Castle
Genre: Angst, Broken Families, Character Death, F/M, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tearjerker, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-19 03:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2372873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkrstark/pseuds/parkrstark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's only a week in the life of a family so close. But once Death breaks them, a week seems like a lifetime. </p><p>or</p><p>The one in which Kevin Ryan is killed and the rest of the team is left to pick up the pieces of their broken family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Saturday

"My place tonight, bro?" Javier flipped through bank statements from their victim.

Ryan looked up with a smile, "Sounds good. We'll head out after we wrap this up."

"Chinese or Pizza?"

Ryan laughed turning his chair around, "Seriously, bro, your fridge is filled with leftovers we  _never_ finish."

Esposito scanned their victim's papers quickly before looking up to his partner. "So?" He didn't see what the big deal was with getting more food instead of eating that old crap.

Ryan rolled his eyes with a smile, "Hey, I got something." The Irishman proudly handed his finding to Javi.

Esposito looked at what Ryan was holding and read it out loud, "So our vic deposited $10,000 the day before he died." Esposito smiled catching on. "All we have to do is trace where this money came from, then we can figure out what the Hell this guy was into."

Ryan nodded paperclipping it together, "The bank is closed for the night, but we can check there first thing tomorrow."

"Sounds good to me, bro." Esposito said standing up to slip his coat on as Castle and Beckett approached the two.

"Find anything?"

"So, it turns out that Jason put $10,000 in the bank before he died." Ryan smiled buttoning up coat.

Castle's eyebrows scrunched in thought, "But, he could barely pay the bills. Where did he suddenly get 10k from?"

"That's what Ryan and I couldn't understand." Esposito smiled proudly at him and his partner finding this crucial hint to finding the killer.

"But," Ryan continued, "the bank is closed for today, so we have to head there first thing tomorrow."

"So where are we heading now?" Castle smiled as he grabbed his coat when he noticed the boys were doing the same thing. As he was putting his arm through the hole, he eyed Ryan with a playful smirk. "Are you finally taking us leprechaun hunting?"

"Ha ha, Mr. Comedian." Ryan rolled his eyes and laughed sarcastically. Castle patted the youngest detective on the back with his signature 'Castle smile' before Espo smirked,

"Well, I don't know where  _you're_ going," the Hispanic detective gestured to Castle and Beckett. "But,  _we're_ going to my place for Madden Night." He shrugged his shoulders winking at the writer.

Beckett rolled her eyes with a smile, "Have fun, boys." Ryan nodded with a truly genuine smile that brought a smile to Beckett's face as she watched him follow his partner to the elevator.

Castle turned to Beckett once they were gone, "Why do you think they won't invite me to Madden Night?"

Beckett laughed, but quickly quieted when she saw he was genuinely hurt by the boys's actions. She took her husband's hand in hers and rubbed it with her thumb. "Come on, babe, don't take it to heart."

Castle sighed leaning back in his chair instead of verbally responding. Beckett kissed his cheek, "They don't invite me either."

Castle huffed, "Yeah, but you're a girl. That's different. I mean, sure, we get beers, play poker, you know, but I've never gotten to share a boys's night with Madden in the past 9 years that I've known them."

Beckett took a sip of her coffee trying to decide how to explain it to him, "Listen, Castle, it's probably just you know their thing. They've done the same thing every week for the past 13 years they've been partners. It's not that they don't like you, but this is something that's important to them by, you know, themselves." She tried to put it as nicely as she could.

Castle nodded, "Yeah, I guess." He bit his lip in thought, "Do you think a month with the Ferrari each would help?"

"Castle."

"I just feel like they only hang with me is to get close enough so if I break your heart, it's easier to kill me."

If Beckett didn't know her boys so well she'd think about that actually being true. Many times in the past when she brought a boyfriend to the prescient he was frightened off by the boys's interrogation. At first it was very aggravating, but soon she realized that they only went through this trouble because they cared.

"Rick, that's not true and you know it." She said squeezing his hand.

Castle smiled, "I guess I'm overreacting, huh?" Beckett laughed with a nod and Castle joined with a determined a smile. "Maybe, I'll just start with something small like movie night."

Beckett nudged his shoulder, "There you go. Ry has been bugging for someone to watch that nerdy movie series thing."

" _Star Wars_?" Castle asked.

Beckett smiled, she knew exactly what movie Ryan has been babbling about, and she bit back another smile; Castle had remembered as well.

"He would love that." Beckett whispered, "and you know if Kevin goes so will Javi."

Castle smiled, "I'll plan the best movie night in history!" He said a little too loud drawing the unwanted attention of some other officers. And Gates.

"Mr. Castle, I suggest you save all your yelling for the outside, please." She crossed her arms as she stuck her head out of her office.

Castle was already almost to the elevator mumbling under his breath, "I gotta get the popcorn, soda, candy and other junk to eat."

Gates eyed him suspiciously before turning to Beckett who just shrugged in response. "He's Castle."

* * *

"Can you set up the game while I call Jenny and remind her it's Madden Night?" Ryan said once they were both inside Javi's apartment. The Irishman already had his cellphone in hand.

"Sure, bro." Espo said as he started up the X-Box 360 console. "Just grab the beers and the take-out menu." He gestured blindly behind his back towards the kitchen as he turned the t.v. to  _video one._

Kevin nodded with his cellphone in between his ear and shoulder as he carefully grabbed a six pack from the fridge and a random menu from the top cabinet. He looked at his pick and was pleased to see the logo of the familiar Chinese place that him and Javi considered their favorite.

He clicked his tongue and Espo turned around and smiled at the menu he was waving to him. Espo gave a thumb up before continuing the process of setting up a game with both of the custom teams that the Latino had created.

Ryan walked over to the living room and placed both items on the worn out coffee table that had seen better days, but held too many memories that the duo didn't want to let go of so easily.

"Hey, Jenny." Ryan smiled as the ringing stopped indicating that his wife had picked up. Javier plucked up a beer from the pack and opened it with a fizz. He took a sip and silently watched his partner waiting for him to be ready to play.

_"Hey, Kev, are you on your way home? Because I could really use your help." Jenny said with exhaustion lacing her voice. Sarah-Grace was pouting on the floor beside her. "Our little girl doesn't think she needs to head to bed right now."_

"Actually, sweetie, I uhh, I'm at Javi's." He bit his lip nervously and took a deep breath before he chose his carefully selected words. "It's Madden Night, remember?"

 _Jenny groaned covering her face with her free hand, "_ Again?"  _Her frustration was evident from her husband all always being with his partner and leaving her to deal with their daughter alone._

"Come on, Beautiful. It's not like that." He sighed as he took his seat next to Javi. Espo had to shift a bit to the side so he didn't become a human cushion because of his distracted partner taking a seat. "We're not attached to the hip." He defended himself from his accusing wife who was not happy at all. "Because Fridays are with him and the rest with you."

Esposito rolled his eyes drinking more of his almost half empty beer. Reason number 207 why he knew getting hitched was a horrible idea. He told his partner so, but did his partner listen? Nope. And now it was all coming back to bite him in the ass. Espo chuckled at the thought only to earn a kick and a side of death glare from his partner.

He mouthed what Espo read as, "Not funny." Javi shrugged his shoulders with a smirk.

_"Don't give me that because if it's not Madden Night, it's beers after a bad case or a baseball game or just you two making excuses to hang out!" She calmed down when she noticed hurt in her daughter's eyes. She didn't want her to hear them fighting. "We'll talk about this later. Can you at least say goodnight to Sarah?"_

"Of course, put her on." Ryan pinched his nose before perking up at the sound of his baby girl's voice.

_"Hi, Daddy." The five year old giggled into the phone._

Javier noticed his partner's eyes light up when he said, "Hello, Princess." Espo didn't like the feeling of warmness when he listened to his partner try and convince his little girl to get to bed. He was a man, for crying out loud! He caught killers, tackled much bigger suspects on the run. He wasn't some softie no matter how cute his niece was. Nope, he was a grown ass man who didn't fall to his knees whenever she did something cute. Just to prove his point to nobody but himself, he took a large swig of his beer finishing the rest with a emotionless glare on his face.

"Alright, put Mommy on, Angel. Daddy loves you too." Esposito took some dignity back by teasing his partner.

"Does Daddy love Javi too?" He brought the flustered father into a hug that Ryan tried to get out of, but stopped struggling and lifted himself as much as he could when his wife returned to the phone.

_"Goodnight, Kevin, I love you." She sighed with a small smile._

"I love you too, my love. I'll see you soon." He said before ending the call so he could get out of his partner's iron grip.

Kevin did his best to get his partner to let go, but only succeeded when he was about to fall off the couch and Javi not wanting to fall too, let go. Kevin pushed himself up with a groan. "We're too old for this." He rolled his back that had slammed into the table during his trip to the ground.

Javier laughed, "Gotta stay in shape to catch down those perps, bro." Ryan rolled his eyes and plopped back down on the couch grabbing a beer as well when his partner took his second.

Javi waited until his partner swallowed his first mouthful before he asked, "Do you hear that?"

Kevin gave his partner a confused glance before he answered, "That's marriage eating away your freedom."

Ryan flicked his partner, "Shut up, you already got me in enough trouble."

Espo rolled his eyes handing over his controller, "Yeah, sure, just blame me, bro."

* * *

"Here, bro, try this." Esposito said lifting a fork holding what looked somewhat like their Chinese take-out dinner, but Kevin couldn't be sure. He eyed his partner suspiciously before slowly leaning over a bit.

He opened his mouth hesitantly to allow Javi to slip the fork into his mouth watching to see his reaction with a familar glint in his eyes. Oh no...

The moment that whatever poison that Espo fed him touched his taste buds, it was shot out of his mouth across the room. "What the  _Hell_ was that?!"

Esposito laughed as he watched his partner spit any excess pieces into his napkin. "Oh, just about everything here doused in duck and soy sauce."

"That's a cruel and nasty joke, bro." He shook his head taking a look at all of their choices spread across the table. Any empty space was covered by fortunes, wrappers, napkins and beer bottle caps.

"If Jenny doesn't kill me tonight, this surely will." Kevin laughed dryly trying to forget about the trouble he was in.

He cursed under his breath when he saw Espo's player tackle his. Not that he was surprised.

When Javi had made each of their players, he made his own with 100% for all the skills. Not to mention, the advantage he gave himself with his ripped body and towering height as well. 'Espo' was across his back with the number one underneath.

Kevin's player was the exact opposite; Javier made his partner small, thin and the only skill he graced him to have close to 100% were the ones to do with speed. The worst though, was that instead of 'Ryan', Espo dubbed his player as 'Honeymilk'.

Although, Ryan had argued until he was blue in the face, Javi refused to change it because it was his Xbox so therefore what he said went.

"That bad with Jenny, huh?" Esposito brought Ryan back to reality.

Ryan sighed, "Yeah, bro, unfortunately." He took a sip of beer and placed his controller down amongst their garbage when he noticed that their game had come to an end.

"You can stay here tonight, till she cools off." He patted his partner's shoulder with a small lopsided smile.

"Thanks, Javi, but it'd be better if I went. Besides, she's waiting for me. I'll head out after we clean this up." He stood up stretching out his back.

"Nah, I got this tomorrow, bro. It's almost 12 and you still got to talk to Jen so if you want some sleep before waking up for work, get going." He took the empty plastic container from Kevin's hands.

"You sure?"

"Positive. See ya' tomorrow, bro."

Kevin smiled as they did their handshake that looked complicated to another's eyes, but for them they could do it without even thinking or looking.

"Goodnight." Ryan waved as he exited Javier's apartment. Javi smiled, "Night."

* * *

Ryan stuck his key into his door and quietly walked through the living room so he didn't wake up Sarah-Grace. "Jenny?" He whispered as he flicked on the living room light. Soon she was standing in their bedroom doorway with her arms wrapped around herself.

"Look, Honey, I'm really sorry." Ryan said walking to his wife to bring her into a hug.

She shook her head, "You always say that, Kevin. I'm tired of doing it all by myself."

Kevin sighed, "I know. I'll help more, I promise." He took her hand instead when she denied him to a hug.

She continued, "Sometimes I wonder who you're married to. Me or Javi." She turned her icy stare to him.

He groaned, "Come on, baby. You know I love you. We're partners and he doesn't have anyone else. I just keep him company sometimes." He hated having this conversation with her. Once in a while, she'd always get excited over their relationship when she was frustrated. Kevin was getting tired of having to explain himself.

"Then why is always him, huh? The day you get off completely with no case or paperwork you turn down date night because Castle invited you and Javier to beers. How is that fair?"

"Sweetie, I apologized for that. We had-"

"A rough case, I know. And I completely understand." She waved her arms in a defensive motion. "But, that's always the excuse."

Ryan slouched in the chair, "I'm sorry. Really and honestly. I'll change my ways and I'll have Madden Night here and come home the other nights." He sighed tiredly.

What Ryan thought would appease his wife only seemed to upset her more, "You don't get it!" She returned to a harsh whisper when she realized another shout may awaken Sarah-Grace. "No Madden Nights! No beers! Can't I have just a month or two Javi free with my husband?"

Ryan looked up at her with slight anger, but didn't show it. "Javi free?"

"I love Javier and you know that. He's amazing and when you can't, he makes sure Sarah-Grace and I are both okay, but I just want my husband. Not half because the other half of him is planning an outing with his partner. Please." She was practically begging.

"I love you, Jenny, but I can't just forget about my partner."

"I'm not asking to you, baby. Just please try to hear me out." Kevin did understand where she was coming from, and knew he was a hundred percent to blame, but a month without hanging with Javi was unheard of. They had never skipped Madden in the 13 years of their partnership (excluding the small period during their fight, but they had definitely made up for lost time.)

"He can come over and you can join. I'll be with you and Javi can spend some time with her uncle." He said still not clearly listening to Jenny.

She was on the verge of tears from frustration now. "No, Kevin. Just you. Just me. And our baby girl. Why do you have such an obsession with him that you can't be apart for that night?"

"What am I supposed to say? I'm sorry, but these next couple months I can only see you in work?"

"Yes!"

"He's been there for me and had had my back for 13 years; longer than anyone I know and I have to stop with an obsession that I so called have?"

"It's only a month or two." Jenny whispered tears falling down her cheeks. Did he really just say that? He was using the excuse that he knew Javier longer than her so naturally their partnership trumped their marriage? "But that doesn't matter, huh? Because he's more important. He's your partner and I'm just your wife. Whatever." She turned to storm out, but Kevin stopped her.

"I didn't mean it like that." Tears started to fall down his cheeks as well. Jenny looked into his eyes for a moment and her tears increased. "Then what did you mean?"

Kevin just stared at her as his tears continued to fall. He didn't know what to say.

"That's what I thought." She said before slamming the door to her bedroom shut.

Ryan fell to the couch and wiped the trail salt off his cheeks and layed down. What had he done? He'd made a mess. A mess that required a lot to fix. He looked at the clock that now read 1:30. He groaned and closed his eyes.

He'd ask Beckett what to do to make her know he truly loved her and it was just exhaustion and aggravation speaking for thw both of them that night.

He loved her too much to let her think he didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"If tomorrow never comes,_
> 
>  
> 
> _will she know how much I loved her?_
> 
>  
> 
> _Did I try in every way to show her everyday_
> 
>  
> 
> _that she's my only one?_
> 
>  
> 
> _If my time on Earth were through_
> 
>  
> 
> _and she must face this world without me,_
> 
>  
> 
> _is the love I gave her in the past_
> 
>  
> 
> _gonna be enough to last?_
> 
>  
> 
> _If tomorrow never comes?"_
> 
>  
> 
> _-If Tomorrow Never Comes by Garth Brooks_


	2. Sunday Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"You do what you do and you pray for your sins. There's no such thing as what might have been. That's a waste of time. It'll drive you outta your mind."_
> 
> _-Tim McGraw_

Kevin groaned as his phone alarm woke him from a restless sleep. He tried to push himself up in one swift motion, but his back clearly didn't agree. He hadn't slept on the couch since, well, forever.

The time on his cable box read 6:45. He had some time for breakfast...or maybe to just rest his eyes a little more. But a very cheery and loud voice proved more rest to be a challenge.

"Wake up, Daddy! You're gonna be late to work!"

He reopened his eyes to see the bright, wide blue eyes of his daughter inches from him. He jumped a bit, but sighed rubbing his eyes. "I'm up, Princess." He pushed himself up successfully this time (with a little needed help from Sarah-Grace).

He blindly rubbed her pale locks that were pointing every which way due to her bed head. This was something that Kevin looked forward to every morning. He always knew that no matter what time he had to leave for work, she was always up to say goodbye. And the appearance of his baby girl right after she woke up never failed to amuse him.

Half the time, Kevin thought she had some kind of radar because even during his early morning cases when he tried to skip out unnoticed so his beautiful wife and daughter could stay asleep, he would hear her little feet patter through the hall. She always awoke when he had to pass her bedroom to get into the bathroom, so most of the time he found her leaning against the door frame watching him with half closed eyes as he brushed his teeth and gelled his hair.

Then she continued to follow him throughout his morning processes until he was forced to give her a kiss goodbye as he tucked her back into bed with her mother. Once Sarah-Grace heard the door shut she was sound asleep again until Jenny woke up.

Today was like any other as she followed her daddy to his room, then the bathroom (where she helped him gel his hair so it looked "han'some". When he went into work at a regular time, she was awake, alert, and eager to help pick his clothes and do his hair. Even if that meant he went to work like a rainbow with different ties and suits that could only make sense to a five year old girl and hair that gelled up in random places).

"Are you done because Daddy's gonna be late." Kevin said through a wince when Sarah-Grace pulled some gel through his hair a little too roughly. She pulled her hands back and inspected her job with a satisfied smile. Kevin laughed and once they each washed the sticky gel from in between their fingers he lifted his daughter off her spot on the sink and carried her to the kitchen where Jenny was up making eggs.

"Good morning, Jenny." Kevin said softly sitting his baby girl in her chair. Jenny placed eggs in front of the little girl and she happily chewed away unaware of her parents's small argument.

When Kevin heard nothing but silence, he sighed and brought her in for a hug. "I love you. I'm sorry about what I said last night. I didn't mean it." Jenny didn't pull away, but she stayed stiff against his hug.

"I'm just stick of it, Kevin." She whispered and Kevin nodded. "I know and today I'll come home and we'll talk about this and sort it out. Maybe find a way for both of us to agree half way."

She sighed, "You know what I want, Kev, and it's not a lot." She pulled away and busied herself by wiping some orange juice off Sarah-Grace's chin.

"I know, but-" He started, but was cut off.

"Go to work, Kevin, you'll be late." She said with her back to him. Kevin sighed and placed a kiss on the top of her head and then leaned down and allowed Sarah-Grace to leave a sticky kiss on his cheek. He smiled before walking to the door. "I'll see my two beautiful girls when I get home."

"Stay safe, Kevin."

He smiled with a small nod, "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

Kevin walked through through the bullpen without the usual skip in his step. He sat down at his desk in a huff. He straightened out his green tie as the rest of his team joined him at his desk.

"Looks like Sleeping Beauty decideded to join us." Espo smiled sitting on his desk looking at his watch because Ryan was coming in 20 minutes late.

Ryan flicked his partner's leg,"Shut up. Don't we have a bank to go to?"

"Don't  _you_  have a light on in the morning when you get dressed?" Castle laughed looking at the detective's pale blue suit, beige button down and green tie.

He self consciously tried to fix his hair that his baby girl had gelled. "Sarah-Grace wanted to help this morning."

"Help, bro? I think she did everything." His partner laughed looking at his hair.

"Leave him alone, guys, I think that's sweet." Beckett said pulling Ryan's hand from his head. "Leave it how she did it because before you know it, you'll be Castle crying in your room when she's all grown up."

Ryan smiled trying to mask the slight pain in his back. But he wasn't fooling anybody.

Beckett frowned at her junior partner, "You okay, Ryan?" She rubbed his back before she continued, "You seem... _stiff._ "

"Yeah," Castle added, "looks like someone stole ye pot of gold." He said in a weak attempt of an Irish accent.

Ryan gave him a harsh look at the joke silently. Castle's laughter died down when he saw the glare on the usual happy-go-lucky detective.

"Come on, guys, we all know why he's stiff." He directed his attention back to his partner. "So, Mr. Catholic Schoolboy, you like your make-up sex rough, huh?" He raised his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

Although, some might find it weird, the group's conversations were almost always about each other's personal lives and uncomfortable topics were often brought up and discussed shamelessly. To some teams in the prescient, each other's sex lives were off limits because that wasn't what co-workers talked about, but Beckett, Esposito and Ryan was the closest team in homicide, maybe even in the NYPD because their friendship extended much more beyond work hours. Even Castle had joined their little family and had become one of them soon enough.

Which is why Beckett wasn't suprised to hear Esposito teasing his partner about his sex life; because it was natural. But, that didn't mean Beckett didn't choke on her coffee from laughter.

Castle grinned and pinched his fingers up with an outstretched arm allowing Espo to feed the birds.

"I slept on the couch, Javi." Ryan said and the sadness in his voice broke all three hearts. Kevin had earned the spot in their unspoken little family as their little brother; he just had the effect that could break or melt your heart depending on his mood. They all knew how much Jenny meant to him and if he slept on the couch, something was wrong.

"I thought you were going to work that out last night, Kev." Javi's tone softened.

"We talked, but she thinks I need to spend more time with her. And less with you because she thinks we're attatched at the hip." He rolled his eyes quoting his wife. "And stop my obsession with you because she doesn't know if I'm married to her or you."

Castle tried to hold back a laugh so Beckett elbowed him and said, "She was just frustrated, Ry."

"I know, but she wanted me to give up a few months of Madden Night." He leaned back in his chair.

"What?!" Esposito practically yelled. "Madden Nights are sacred ground. You don't mess with it."

Ryan sat up straight, "That's what I said!" Beckett groaned at her partner's pig-headness as he continued, "That's why she got even more ticked at me. She was complaining that I make excuses to be with you more than I have to be. And that's when I kinda got mad..." He rubbed the back of his neck trailing off.

Beckett eyed him, "What did you say, Kevin." His first name was used and Kevin knew she was being dead serious.

"I accidentally may have hinted that I've known Javier six years before her and that I can't just drop everything that I do with him just like that." He whispered looking down in his hands.

Beckett hung her head back and Castle shook his head, "Bad move, Ryan. You never upset the wife. Happy wife, happy life," he started and Esposito finished,

"Unhappy wife, stone-hard misery."

Ryan frowned, "What do I do?"

Beckett felt some empathy towards her partner. His eyes were wide and pleading that made him look like a kid who had just lost his puppy. The way his bright blue eyes were red rimmed from both unshed tears and a night of no sleep on the couch wanted her to bring him in for a hug and promise Jenny would forgive him. But, she was in public and this little convo had to remain professional and at least seem like they were working.

"What do I do?" He strained again with his hands balled into helpess fists and Beckett realized that he had repeated the question directly to her.

She smiled and squeezed his hand. "You have to show her you care."

"But how? She barley talked to me this morning."

"You should write her a letter," Castle added helpfully. "if she won't talk to you write a sweet letter. Include some metaphors, you know, compare her to something beautiful that someone could never let go of."

Ryan looked at him and nodded smiling, "That's a great idea, Castle. Thanks." He spun his chair to pull out a piece of loose leaf paper and began to write his letter.

"Castle, why aren't you this sweet to me?" Beckett joked as she stood up with the address to the bank in hand.

"I am, but you just take advantage of my gentlemen qualities." He smirked.

"Um, Beckett could I maybe stay and-" Ryan looked up at her with his puppy dog eyes and she smiled nodding.

"Me and Espo will check out the bank while you and Castle write this letter, but we're all going to wherever this leads us."

"Of course, thanks!"

* * *

" _I'm just a small bug in your garden, but you're the only rose in mine?"_ Ryan repeated what Castle told him to write. "That's cliché and...stupid."

"Hey, who's the writer here?" Castle defended himself.

Ryan rolled his eyes writing the next sentence. Of course ignoring Castle's requested metaphor.

"None of that is what I told you to write." Castle read the Irishman's letter so far over his shoulder.

"She will know you wrote it though. I'm not Shakespeare." He shook his head rereading his last sentence to make sure he was happy with it. He decided he was. "She'll like it better if she knows I wrote it."

Castle groaned with a small smile. "Yeah, I guess, but if she doesn't like it, don't come crying to me." Ryan laughed looking up knowing that his friend was teasing. Castle slapped a hand back, "She'll love anything you write."

"Yeah, I know and I know she has a right to be mad because I was stupid."

"All men are." Castle shrugged his shoulders, "Just something you learn when you're loft is filled with women."

"Don't forget I grew up with 4 older sisters and a mom." He laughed. "I think now I know why Pa was always at the bar. They drove me crazy." He leaned closer to Castle and whispered, "And don't tell Javi, but I think if I lived with them for one more year I would have really been the female in our relationship. Good thing I moved to the city."

Castle chuckled with a grin as looked into Ryan's bright blue eyes. He knew who obviously was the male in the Rysposito (Castle's name for their bromance) partnership. It wasn't hard to pick up on it. He is a writer; he's trained in analyzing characters- or in this case, inspirations.

He would never tell this to either of them face to face, but he knew Espo held the manlier traits and Ryan was obviously the opposite.

He had studied the two until he thought his brain was about to explode in order to get Detectives Sean Raley and Miguel Ochoa perfect. It was his personal challenge; to see what he could learn from afar.

Esposito was harder to read, although Castle was correct with his assumption of being an ex-soldier of sorts. They way he talked, handled things and his deep loyalty for his partners. The rest was difficult because all of his emotions and thoughts were kept guarded deep within his heart. A place that Castle knew could only be accessed by the bright eyed Kevin Ryan who's heart practically begged to be read.

While Esposito showed no emotions, Ryan seemed to show everything. Castle could never forget that the first thing that really caught his eye about the Irishman was his smile. Everytime Castle looked over to the two from his spot next to Beckett, a smile was always plastered across his face and his eyes seemed to dance with it.

As time progressed, he decided to improve his characterization with their inseparable partnership. Roach in Nikki Heat and Rysposito in the 12th Prescient. Their bond seemed to go beyond work and their partnership was more than just being one another's back-up. It was about having their back through thick and thin, through work and personal issues, but most of all it was about throwing yourself in front of a blazing bullet if it meant your partner wasn't hurt. No hesitations, the split second choice of taking the bullet. The bullet that could kill you, but if your partner survived than you succeeded.

Luckily, Castle had never seen this happen and he hoped he never would.

"Castle?" Ryan waved his hand in front of the writer's face, "You still there?"

"Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry what'd you say?" Castle flushed in embarrassment.

Ryan grinned, "I said, thanks, you know, for everything." He folded up his letter and put it in his pocket. He stood up along with Castle and he picked his arms up and looked at Castle for permission.

Castle rolled his eyes with a laugh. "Get over here, Kev." He pulled the youngest detective into a hug and took in the moment.

Because if you told him 9 years ago that he would work with the NYPD and give up with his unfatherly, disgraceful bachelor life, he'd call you crazy. But then if you added the fact that this experience would give him another three reasons to smile everyday from the most beautiful wife and the greatest brothers he'd call you a liar.

Yes, he decided, he was a very lucky man. And nothing could take this away from him.

* * *

"So, did you finish your sonnet, Mr. Shakespeare?" Esposito grinned from his spot behind the wheel.

Ryan rolled his eyes, "It's just a letter, Javi."

"Whatever you say, Honeymilk." Javier responded as he pulled up behind Beckett and Castle in the street outside of the apartment building.

When Espo and Beckett returned from the bank, they informed Castle and Ryan they had learned that the money that their victim had put into his account was stolen from a bank robbery months ago led by a man named Clement Gidds.

Espo ran the name and found many past charges for possession, assault and many others along with a current address. Which was where the four had drove to to pick him up.

"5G," Espo read from the paper in his hand. "Let's go."

Ryan nodded and followed his partner into the building to the 5th floor with Beckett and Castle trailing behind him.

When the four reached Gidd's apartment Esposito knocked calling out that it was the NYPD to ask a few questions. No answer. Another knock. No answer again. But movement.

"We hear you, Gidds, open up." Ryan rolled his eyes knocking loudly on the worn down wood impatiently because did he seriously think they wouldn't know that he was ignoring them? Well, he wouldn't be the first.

"I'll, uh, be there in a s-sec," Came the stuttering voice that belonged to Clement Gidds. Along with a crash.

The three detectives shared a look and nodded taking out there weapons. Beckett pushed Castle away as Espo and Ryan kicked in the door. "NYPD! Freeze!"

And indeed he did, but with a gun pointed directly at Espo's head. "I'll shoot, I swear to God I will." His hands shook a bit as Javier gulped looking directly into the barrel of the gun.

Kevin moved closer, his anger rising he growled, "Put the gun down because if you shoot, I will make you wish that I killed you by the time I'm finished." His finger tightened on the trigger.

"Stay back!" He screamed.

"Just put down the gun, Clement." Beckett sounded calm, unlike her three male partners. She lowered her gun, "No one has to die today. Please just drop the gun."

"I didn't kill him." He spat not taking his eyes off of Kevin with his gun pointed at Javi.

Castle cleared his throat, "We're just here to ask questions, not for murder. But if you shot, then we will."

"Put down the gun."

"I said to shut up! Or I will put a fucking bullet through your boyfriend's pretty head!" A vein popped out of his forehead as he continued to scream at the Irishman.

"Ryan." Esposito said looking at partner. Kevin silently nodded and calmed down, but his aim never faltered.

"Just explain to us what you know and if you cooperate then this whole thing will be forgotten." Beckett had no idea if this would be true or not, but she was desperate to get the gun away from Esposito.

"No," he shook his head making his greasy bangs flop against his sticky forehead; beads of sweat covered his face. "You're lying. That's what cops do."

"Put the gun down, Clement, just trust me because I can't help you on my own." Beckett took a fraction of an inch closer, but before she knew it, Gidds lost it.

"Stop acting like you can help!" he screamed causing Castle to jump. "That's what they said last time and look at me now! They said they'd get me out if I listened! Fucking liars!" He screams had made his throat raw as he continued to increase the volume.

That's when it happened. A shot rung through-out the air. A partner ran to his fallen parner's side in a second. Three more shots ran through the air, but Javi didn't hear them.

He didn't feel the bullet pierce his chest.

He didn't hear the hail of bullets that followed.

He didn't see Kevin run to his side.

_No._

He could only feel his partner's limp body in his arms.

He heard nothing but his heart pounding in his ears.

He only saw the blood pooling around his shaking fingers as he desperately tried to clog the new hole inches from Kevin's heart.

_Because his partner had taken the bullet. The bullet meant for him._

Tomorrow or even later that day if you asked what happened in that horrifying moment, neither would remember.

Kevin wouldn't remember that the second he saw Gidd's finger tighten, he threw himself in front of Javier without thinking. The only thing Kevin thought of was his promise to Mama Esposito; to keep her baby safe. His promise to himself; to keep his brother safe- no matter what.

Javi wouldn't remember the scream that ripped through his throat. Or when he caught his partner before his head collided with the wood floor. But one thing he would never forget was their last conversation they shared.

"Ryan, why, w-what were you thinking?" He choked out. His fingers fumbled to unbutton the injured Irishman's suit jacket. He cursed to himself quietly because of the three piece suit making it difficult for him to try and find the source of the blood. He tried to keep his attention on stripping his partner from his tops and stop thinking what if they had worn their Kevlar vests. That vest would have stopped the bullet. The vest that would've saved his partner's life.

Ryan blindly pushed away Javi's hands from his chest before he could unbutton his button-down shirt. "Don't, Javi," He breathed out shakily, "please don't look." Kevin knew in his heart this was the end, and he didn't want to make this any worse for either of them.

Javi blinked, "Stop Kevin, don't you dare start." He could read his partner's mind.

"Javi," Kevin coughed weakly trying to pick his head up, but Javi denied his action by narrowing his eyes. "I can't, it's," He closed his eyes sighing. "I'm sorry." He ended with a whisper.

Javi could feel his eyes burning and he saw tears welling up in his partner's eyes as well. "Shut up, Kev. You're going to survive because we need you, Jenny needs a husband, Sarah-Grace needs a father." He took in a deep breath still keeping pressure on the wound. "For God's sake bro, I need  _my brother_!"

Ryan's breath was becoming more shallow by the second. "Please stop, Javi, we both know how this ends."

Castle watched his two friends- no, brothers- as they said their last goodbyes. Well, actually he only watched the first minute or so because it was too much. He'd seen Ryan cry a time or two through-out his years knowing him, but he never saw Javi cry. But watching as Javi's tears trailed down his cheeks falling into the blood seeping through Kevin's chest made Castle realize Kevin was right.

And it killed him. He swore that his heart broke watching the partners say goodbye.

Maybe it was the blood that now covered Kevin's chest and Javi's hands. Maybe it was the curses and threats and smirks that Clement Gidds was directing to the detectives because he told them so. Or maybe it was the fact that he finally realized after today they would all have to learn how to live without Kevin Ryan. But that didn't matter because the factor didn't change the outcome of Castle stumbling backwards because suddenly it was hot in there. Suddenly it felt as if the walls were closing in and he couldn't breath. His stomach was turning and so was the room. He gripped his knees struggling to hold back the bile that he could feel rising from his throat that soon covered the ground by his feet. But not even his retching could last long enough to block out Ryan and Esposito's conversation.

"I can't let you go, Ryan. I promised Jenny I'd have your back and I failed." He screwed his eyes shut because he couldn't look at those blue eyes that Espo often found himself hypnotized by. He was having a hard enough time letting him go as it was.

"You didn't, I saved your life because Mama made me promise. You know I can't break a promise to your mom." He smiled weakly and Espo opened his eyes.

"What about your mom? I said to her face, 'I'll never let anything happen to him' and look what I did." His brown eyes narrowed searching Ryan's baby blue eyes for hope he knew he'd never find. Something he wasn't used to because hope and love were the two things that Espo could always rely on Kevin for showing.

Javi remembered the first day he met Kevin Ryan, his eyes really stuck out to him because he never someone with such beautiful eyes (and he means that in the most manly, heterosexual way possible and then some), and as their partnership grew he began to realize how nicely his coco brown eyes perfectly fit his partner's bright blue eyes. He even remembers accidentally spilling that to Ryan one Madden Night after one too many beers, but Kevin didn't find it weird because he agreed. Even when he wasn't drunk.

So how was he supposed to sit here watching the life slowly drain from those eyes and not blame himself.

"Javi, I can't hold on much longer." He steadied his breathing so he could finish he final sentences calmly. "So please don't spend it blaming you when it wasn't your fault at all."

The Latino nodded respecting his partner's wishes. "I'm sorry-"

"Javi."

"No," He shook his head wiping the blood that was starting to spill down Kevin's chin. "let me finish." He didn't wait for Kevin's approval before continuing, "I'm sorry that this is how it ends. I'm sorry that there is nothing I can do to make you stay because that's all I want. I'm sorry that some low-life scumbag ended the Ryan and Espo partnership." His tears began to flow more heavily this time. "But, I want you to know that our partnership was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. Please know that." His shoulders shook and one of his hands grabbed a weak, pale and shaking one that belonged to his partner was absently reached around.

"Javi, I'm sorry I'm leaving you, Jenny, Sarah-Grace, and, a-and" his voice broke just thinking about leaving his wife and baby girl. "But the wheels haven't and will never, ever, fall off. Just trust me because I'm not gonna be here, Jav, but I'll be with you." he closed his eyes for a quick moment to catch his breath. "I love you Javier and you are the greatest brother I could ever have."

Javier nodded his head as he whispered, "I love you too, bro."

Kevin turned his head to look at Castle, "I'm glad you joined our team, Castle. I enjoyed your crazy theories, poker nights and just you being you. Take care of Kate because she's still our sister and Javi's still here to kick your butt."

Castle nodded his head silently as Kevin turned to Kate who had Gidds under her foot. "Kate, it's gonna be rough losing me because let's face it; you can't solve the cases without Javi and I and he can't solve them without me so I may just be ruining our system."

Kate gave a light laugh, "Yeah sure, Ry, that's exactly how it works." He smiled at her and she nodded her head softly as in her way of thanking him for everything through out the years. He gulped and returned the small favor with a small nod himself.

The last minute or two of his life was directed to Javi. "Javi, I hate myself for leaving you all, but I need you to stay strong," He coughed violently spitting up blood causing Espo to jump slightly and comfort his friend for the few painful seconds that his cough lasted. "S-Sarah-Grace, she needs a father,"

"No, Kevin, I couldn't." Javi found himself refusing this because it just seemed wrong.

"Javier, please, I'm not asking you to replace me, I'm not asking you to marry Jenny. I'm asking you to look out for my little princess because she needs a dad and I won't be there." When Kevin said this he broke into a sob that he found hard to control. "I trust you because she'll need someone to patch her scraped knees, scare her boyfriends away. She'll need someone to hold her after nightmares when Jenny can't because I'm leaving my baby girl without her daddy and the only person I could ever think to fill in my shoes is you. She needs the father that I would be if I could stay. Just promise me please you'll look after Jenny and Sarah-Grace."

Javier wiped his nose and nodded, "Yeah, sure bro. I'll do everything for them."

"And Javi...the letter...Jenny..." Ryan's voice was now weak and he could barely speak as his chest was hardly rising anymore.

"I'll make sure she gets it." He promised.

"Thanks. Thanks for everything, bro..." He smiled softly before his heart stopped and his limp hand fell to his side in the blood that pooled around him. Javi brought his head down and cried into his partner's still chest.

Beckett grabbed Gidd's handcuffed wrists and harshly pulled him to his feet. She growled in his ear when he hissed in pain. "Clement Gidds, you are under arrest for the murder of NYPD Detective Kevin Ryan."

Murder. Kevin Ryan. Dead. His partner. Gone. Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I hope I live until I'm 80_
> 
> _And I get to see my son get married_
> 
> _And have babies_
> 
> _And make a million more memories with my wife._
> 
> _Yeah buddy I pray alright_
> 
> _But if it's my time to leave_
> 
> _Could you watch over them for me?_
> 
> _If something should happen..._
> 
> _-Darryl Worley 'If Something Should Happen"_


	3. Sunday Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know."_
> 
> _-Carrie Underwood_

Javier tried to clear his mind. Maybe this wasn't really happening. Maybe his partner wasn't killed. But if he was, boy, would that son of a bitch pay.

His partner's drying blood was not the only red invading his vision. All he could think about was that this bastard killed his brother. And he will pay. Esposito growled, "You fucking sleezebag. I'm going to shoot you in your goddamn face."

Fortunately, Ryan's limp body in his arms and Castle's hands on his shoulders kept Espo from pulling out his piece and doing what he had promised because Beckett and Castle both knew that Espo would end up in jail if they ever left him alone with Gidds.

"He'll pay, Espo." Castle whispered in his ear. "Don't do anything stupid; remember your promise. You can't watch Jenny and Sarah if you're in jail."

"I don't want him to pay, I want him to suffer." Esposito clung to his partner's corspe tighter and he shut his eyes trying to calm himself. "Castle," His voice sounded rough and nothing like the Espo that Castle knew. "he's dead. Kevin is gone..." He trailed off when his voice broke.

"I know, Javier." Castle fell to his knees bringing Espo's hands from his dead partner and brought the broken detective in for a hug. Espo dug his fingers into the writer as he cried.

"Come on," Castle said when he heard sirens approaching. "Let's give them some space and go get some fresh air."

"But Kevin-"

"Will be in good hands. Beckett called L-Lanie." He whispered wishing this was a dream and his friend wasn't shot. Wasn't dead. And that their friend who autopsies bodies wasn't about to come for their little brother.

Espo choked on a muffled sob and nodded, "I gotta get out of here." He weakly pushed himself up almost falling before Castle put his arm around his shoulder and led him out just as other officers were rushing in.

Beckett dug her heel into Gidd's spine once more before handing him off to the responding officers. Once he was out of her hair, she ran to Ryan's side. Officers were crowding and yelling for a bus. She roughly pushed past the men who were simply staring wide-eyed at the fallen detective.

"Get out of my way, damnit!" She yelled at two rookies who were whispering about something as they blocked her path to Kevin. They quickly stumbled backwards because even though they've only been on the force for 6 months they knew not to stand in Detective Kate Beckett's way. Especially if it involved her detectives.

She fell to her knees by her partner's chest ignoring the warm, sticky blood that was staining the knees of her pants. She pressed two fingers to his neck to check for a slight chance of a pulse just in case maybe he was actually alive.

His cold skin only confirmed it. Her baby brother is dead. No, he was murdered.

"Kate!" The cry from the door made her lift her head to see Dr. Lanie Parish. "Please tell me that's not our Kevin. Tell me this is all just Castle's idea of a cruel joke." She was pratically begging for this all to be a nightmare.

Kate couldn't speak, all she could do was shake her head through tears.

"Oh my God." Lanie was at her friend's side in a second holding her hand as they embraced each other. Beckett wasn't sure how long she was holding her friend, but when they looked up the room was empty of all officers. It was just them and Kevin.

Lanie looked the man over and tried to hold back another round of sobbing. "I better get him back to the morgue." She closed her eyes when she whispered 'morgue'.

Kate nodded, "Be careful with him, Lanie. He suffered enough." She turned her head away from Ryan after she softly closed his eyelids shut because she just couldn't look into those lifeless blue eyes anymore. His face already seemed paler than normal and that was saying something. The trickle of blood that Javi had wiped off his partner's mouth earlier had returned and his wound on his chest was finally starting to slow down.

Lanie quielty started to button up his vest and then his jacket before straightening his tie. "His baby girl help him this morning?" She sniffled when she noticed his mismatched outfit. Lanie always loved it when Sarah Grace dressed her father because when she saw Kevin at work looking like he got dressed in the dark, it never failed to bring a smile to he face. Especially because Ryan was so keen on his hair and suit being perfect, but with Sarah Grace he didn't care.

"What are we going to tell Jenny?"

"Oh my God!" Kate covered her mouth forgetting the fact that they were covered in Ryan's blood. "I forgot," She admitted with a lone tear falling down her face.

Lanie sighed and turned to get to work. "I can't believe he's gone."

Kate nodded as she watched her friend fix Kevin's position so it would be easier for the other medics to lift him on the stretcher when they returned, which Lanie knew no doubt, it would be soon.

Lanie's gloved hands carefully danced across Ryan's chest as she tried to use his tie to cover the horrifying hole that seemed to be teasing the two; it killed their Kevin.

She squeezed her eyes shut to try and stop the hot, burning tears from falling. She pulled herself away from his body and took comfort with Kate. "How'd Javi handle it?" Lanie knew that out of everyone, the Irishman's partner would take it the worst.

"Horribly," She sighed in response. "I think the Javi we knew is gone." She squeezed Lanie's hand and sadly continued, "He took the bullet."

"Excuse me?"

"Gidds was going to shot Espo, but Ryan jumped in front of him."

Lanie was silent. Of course Ryan would do that, Espo was his partner and that meant he had to take the bullet. He had to save his partner. And Esposito would now surely blame himself for his partner's death.

"He's in here!" The shout of a medic woke the two women from their daze. He ran in followed by two men wheeling a stretcher.

"Dr. Parish," One of them said in acknowledgment. She nodded in response and watched as they lowered the stretcher inches from Ryan's body.

"I've got this one, boys." She said cooly wiping any signs of previous shed tears. The other medical examiners just nodded as they fastened the belts around Ryan before lifting it back up.

Lanie thanked them before she stood up and motioned Kate to help push their fallen friend. Kate stood up and the two silently pushed the stretcher through the hallway to the elevator.

Once inside, Kate looked down at Kevin and closed her eyes squeezing Ryan's limp hand.

* * *

"That bullet was for me, Castle! I should be dead, not Kevin!" Esposito pounded his fist into the brick wall of the alley.

"I know," Castle sighed. "But, he did it for you."

"Which is what kills me even more. It's my fault." he whispered hanging his head in shame.

Castle scoffed, "Did you shot Ryan? Did you force Ryan to jump in front of you? Did you make him love you so much that he took a bullet for you?" A shake of the head from Espo.

"The only thing that one could even consider being because of you is that he loved you." He spoke more gently, "He loved you more than you know, Javi. I've seen partners work together before and let me just say that none even compare to you two." He smiled remembering the memories of his first few months of following and how much he'd learned.

"The way you made him laugh and smile always seemed to amaze me. And I don't know if you noticed any of this, but the way he showed you he cared was...dorky, but sweet." He stumbled over how to describe the Irishman's in a way, rather cute actions. "He always made you a coffee, the smiles, the laughs, the drunk hugs and the way he talked with you was different than the tone he used to talk to others. Even sometimes with Kate and I.

"Other partners would love to say that they acted that way towards each other and that they sincerely would take a bullet for the other, but I doubt that any would be telling the truth. Hell, if it weren't for Jenny I think I'd little questionable about the love he showed you." Castle laughed trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah," Esposito smiled softly. "He was always the feminine aspect in our relationship so it doesn't surprise me."

Castle silently watched as Esposito stood completley still with his head bowed and his back to him. He's never seen the Latino so quiet before...

He figured if he kept Espo out here while the others wheeled out Ryan's body then Espo wouldn't see him again and wouldn't lose it. He kept an eye by the entrance of the apartment building just in case. Castle definitely would try his hardest to keep Esposito out of the morgue as well.

"I miss him." Esposito's whisper broke the silence.

Castle had to turn his head and choke back a quiet sob when he heard his friend say those words because it finally set in that Ryan was actually gone and this wasn't just a scene in his book.

Castle draped a hand on Espo's shoulder and brought him in for a hug. "I know, Javier. We all do, but we're going to get through this together."

"Castle, I will never get over this and I know it. How am I supposed to continue on without him?" Castle felt Esposito tense in his grip.

"Don't you dare go down that road." Castle's hug tightened. "You want to know how to continue? Don't lose yourself, live like he is here and don't let his story be forgotten." Espo pulled back.

"It's not that easy," Esposito laughed coldly. "He's not just another person. He's my partner, my brother, my best friend and I'm not ready to lose that."

"And you never will be. Nobody will. But at least you've had thirteen great years with him. Sarah Grace has had what, four maybe five years with her Daddy?" Esposito's breath hitched in his throat and he turned to face Castle.

"Espo, she needs to know who her father is and no one other than you could tell her exactly who he is. She needs you and you know it. Please." Castle ended as Esposito nodded his head.

"I know, I-" Esposito started, but commotion from across the street caught his attention. Clement Gidds was spitting out every curse in the book at the two officers who were struggling to lead him to the car.

Castle knew he wouldn't be able to stop Espo as he barged to the murderer. So he didn't try; he watched as the former military grabbed the back of Gidd's collar and pulled it backwards almost choking him.

"Shut your fucking mouth. You're lucky I'm letting you live because if he didn't have a family you'd be dead and I'd be in jail." Esposito's anger gave him the strength to be able to drag the man all the way to the car by himself. He practically threw the man in and made sure he caught his head on the roof hard enough to bruise. "Whoops."

Gidds growled and said, "But I guess it's the other way around because now I'll be in jail, but he's dead."

Later on when asked, Esposito would say that Gidds had the black eye before they found him. The blood on his face was from a nasty trip he took when he slipped and Espo would be ready to explain more injuries if it hadn't been for Castle who pulled him off, knowing it was going too far.

The car was driving off to the Prescient and Castle and Espo were about to follow when the doors to the apartment building opened and every Police Officer, medical expert and even some citizens stood still and saluted as Lanie and Beckett slwoly wheeled Ryan towards the ambulance.

Castle watched Espo's eyes follow the covered stretcher and he was prepared for the scream that followed. He was at Ryan's side in an instant.

"Ryan! Don't you dare! You idiot, how could you leave me?!" He pushed Beckett's hand off his shoulder. "Wake up!" He pounded his dead partner's chest. "What about Jenny and what about your 5 year old daughter, did you forget about them?!" He grew angrier the more that Lanie or Beckett tried to calm him. "What am I supposed to do?! You're my partner! 90% of my life is you and, you selfish bastard, you're leaving me!"

Fellow Homicide Detectives from the 12th knew how much Ryan meant to Esposito and vice versa. They were closer than brothers and they were always together. In the Prescient, they were always talking and smiling with each other, a lot of times they could be seen catching a movie or dinner at a local diner. What was Espo going to do now?

Watching the scene in front of them seemed to force a few Detectives to excuse themselves because breaking down in public was not something to be proud of, especially that it wasn't even affecting themselves personally. It just became too unbearable to watch.

"Javier!" Lanie screamed grabbing his hands from the cloth covering Kevin. "Go! He's gone, you need to go home and wash and just calm down."

He shook his head, "No way, Lanie, not until that jackass is behind bars for life."

"He will be, Espo, we'll compare ballistics from the gun he had to the one that killed Jason and even if it's not a match, he's still going away for life." Beckett said as she continued to wheel the stretcher joined again by Lanie.

Beckett looked to Castle, "Go get him cleaned up and then we'll all go visit Jenny."

Castle nodded with a frown because he was not excited to go to Jenny and tell her that her husband was dead. That he'd never come home again.

* * *

When Esposito walked through the bullpen, he ignored the stares and the sympathetic apologies like they had something to do with his partner's death. They didn't. They didn't know how he was feeling as his brother's dried blood covered him. So why were they saying, "I'm sorry"?

He found himself go straight to Kevin's desk instead of the locker room. He didn't say a word, he simply sat and ran his fingers delicately over everything. His files, his pens that had all mismatched caps, his half eaten bag of Skittles that only had orange, and yellow (the colors he didn't like) left.

In his top drawer underneath more papers were his two books he liked to reread every now and then; Sherlock Holmes and one of Castle's Nikki Heat novels. In his other top drawer was a picture of him, Jenny and Sarah Grace on her 1st birthday along with a card that Javi gave him as a joke for their 10th anniversary as partners. Well, Javi claimed it was a joke, but Kevin knew it wasn't. Of course he wasn't going through his drawers; he didn't need to open them to know exactly what was inside because he had gone through them before enough times to memorize everything.

He lifted his head when he heard his Captain clearing her throat. "Detective, I suggest you wash up and go home. We've got everything under control." She gave him a sympathetic frown.

"There's too much to do, Sir. His desk, his locker, his funeral." He was starting to fidget in all this drying blood now that everyone made him notice it. It felt like his skin was crawling. He squeezed his eyes shut to fight back a wave of nausea, but regret it when he heard that horrifying gun shot and his partner scream his name.

He shot up from the chair, "I have to go, I gotta get it off." He panted as he pushed past Gates and knocked over his chair in the process. He was going to be sick if he didn't get this blood off of him. Now.

Castle quickly chased behind him, all the way into the shower room because Esposio hadn't bothered to take his clothes off. He jerked the knob up and let cold water pelt down on his body. He watched the blood flake off and turn the water red underneath his feet. He scrubbed his hands and face hard and his breathing became short quick breaths.

"Esposito! Calm down, you're gonna have a panic attack." Castle shouted from the outside when he heard his change in breathing.

"The blood...it's not coming out..." Esposito said as he scrubbed harder and faster all over his body.

Castle looked over the man and saw no more signs of noticable blood stains, "Javi, stop, it's out."

"No."

"Yes," He nodded and pulled the curtain open to shut off the water and grab Javier's hands off his chest. "Relax."

Esposito took in a deep breath and checked himself over again, embarrassed to see that Castle was right. "I'm sorry." He mumbled.

"Come on," Castle whispered and the two walked slowly to where the two detectives' lockers were. Instead of unlocking his own, Espo found himself unlocking his partner's lock.

Esposito stuck his hand inside pulled out the t-shirt and sweats that Ryan used to change into. He brought it to his nose, the smell overpowering him. He wasn't sure how to describe it, but that smell was Ryan and he was going to miss it.

Castle turned away when Espo started to change into his partner's clothes. Espo needed the smell before it faded away.

As the two walked out, he threw out his soaking wet clothes because he did not want to be reminded of this day.

The two walked back into the bullpen just in time to see Gidds being taken away as he kept his head down when the other officers surrounded their path clapping. If you messed with one, you mess with them all.

Esposito felt a little better now that he was being carted away for good. "Burn in Hell." He whispered so no one else heard. God knows Gidds deserved it.

* * *

Lanie pulled the sheet back up to cover Kevin's bare chest. During her quick clean-up, she tried to convince herself that this wasn't their boy, but unfortunately that didn't work.

His milky skin could not be mistaken for someone else. The light freckles that could just barely be seen danced across his chest, shoulders and back. Several scars that he had from a few chases made some some areas of his skin pink. Besides that she was doing okay until she had to clean off the blood on his cheeks from Javi's hands.

She got a new, clean rag to wash his cheeks. She wished she didn't.

The face she was so used to smiling and laughing was eerily peaceful. His baby blue eyes that could light up the night were closed and hits face was so pale. He looked like he was sleeping, but she knew he wasn't.

She'd seen him sleeping before, not in a creepy way of course, when he had stolen naps on the breakroom couch (especially after all-nighters with Javi and the first few months after Sarah Grace was born), and at Castle's parties when he was too drunk to drive home and passed out on the chair. He could maybe pass for a hangover with his pale skin and the slight uncomfortable look on his face, but Lanie knew that Kevin Ryan did not get hangovers unless he was drinking like crazy. He was Irish and even though he be so drunk that he poured out all his secrets (which has happened before), the next day he was like he didn't even drink one beer. So that destroyed her hangover theory, but left the dead one.

She kneeled by his side and bowed her head on the cold, metal, surface and cried, "Oh Ryan, why did you leave us? We're all going to be a mess without you." She wiped her eye and smiled sadly at his hair, "I never told you this because it could ruin your manliness image, but you were really cute with Sarah Grace. The way she had you wrapped around her finger; it was adorable."

She sighed and laced her finger around a small strand of his hair that fell over his forehead to move it out of his face. She let her hand linger and stared deeply at his closed eyelids hoping he'd wake up to her touch.

A knock broke her thoughts and she looked up to see Kate standing in the doorway now that she was cleaned up.

"Come in, sweetie." Lanie stood up and tearfully held her arms open.

Kate smiled sadly and walked to her friend for a much needed embrace. They parted after a moment and Kate turned around and stared at Ryan. "He looks so young, like back when he first joined." She laughed and reached for Ryan's hand to squeeze. "He was always so happy and loud and innocent." She whispered and looked to Lanie. "The first thing I thought was that there was no way that he was undercover in Narco. I always wondered how someone so  _innocent_ could become and a cop and I made a promise to shield him from almost everything. But then one of our first leads ended in a gun battle and I realized how capable he was of handling himself and even though he may look like a helpless puppy most of the time, he's one tough soldier."

Lanie joined her friend and whispered, "Sometimes he looked too adorable to be a grown man." She squeezed her friend's free hand.

"Yeah," She said looking at her fallen comrade once more before turning to Lanie. "His autopsy was all good, right?" It wasn't important, but Kate wanted to make sure he was okay.

"Completely, found Chinese food in his stomach content so I'm guessing that he a fun night of Madden with Javi. Not a bad last night." She flattened the sheet to perfection over his bare body.

"Until, he got home and slept on the couch."

"I'm guessing a fight with Jenny would explain this,". Lanie said pulling a folded piece of paper from her pocket. "He's no Castle with his words, but he's a sweet guy." She smiled.

Beckett eyed the paper and said, "His letter to Jenny. She wouldn't talk to him so he wrote that." She took it from her hand and unfolded it to read his words. She smiled because she heard Kevin's voice reading it in her head.

"I figured since you all are going to see Jenny and Sarah Grace, you could give her the letter." Lanie shrugged her shoulders.

Kate nodded looking up, "Anything else you need?"

"Nah, I'm just gonna clean him up one more time and I'll need the outfit he's going to wear for the wake and I'll dress him up and then he's out of my hands." She started to wet another rag.

"Is it bad I don't want to let him go?" Beckett whispered behind her hand.

"No, but it's something we've got to learn to do."

* * *

"Who's going to break the news?" Castle said as Beckett parked in front of Ryan's apartment building.

"He's my partner, I'll do it. It's my fault anyway." Esposito unbuckled his seatbelt avoiding eye contact.

"Javier," Beckett grabbed his hand and sternly said, "Don't you dare think that. This was not your fault at all and you know Kevin wouldn't want you to think that either. So please don't."

"Yeah, I guess." He squeezed Beckett's hand back and turned to Castle, "Hey, Castle, do you mind taking Sarah out of the room while I talk with Jenny, she doesn't need to hear this just yet."

"Of course." Castle said immediately.

"Then I guess this is it, let's go." Esposito said oddly calm as he opened the door and advanced towards the doors. Castle and Beckett exchanged a sad and worried glance before following him.

"Good afternoon, Detectives." The man behind the front desk greeted, reconozing the three. "Did Kevin overlseep again? He did get home pretty late last night." He joked with a smile towards Esposito.

"Yeah," Esposito said distantly. "He's not getting up."

The man smiled not realizing what Javier meant, "Next time I suggest you keep the late nights when you don't have work the next morning."

"Thanks." He said walking to the steps before he broke down again.

Castle and Beckett said their goodbyes before following Esposito up to the second floor to Ryan's apartment.

Esposito stood outside the door, "I'll tell Kenny later." He said referring the doorman downstairs. He lifted his hand up to knock, but whispered with hesitation. "I've been here more times than I could ever imagine. Never thought I'd come with this news."

Castle rubbed Esposito's back and encouraged the detective to knock. He knocked and waited for Jenny to answer. He heard her voice, "Who is it?"

"It's me, Javi."

Jenny opened the door a moment later and invited them in with a confused glance. "Listen, if you three are here to apologize for Kevin please just..." She trailed off seeing the looks on their faces. "What happened?"

Javier opened his mouth as tears started to burn his eyes, but Sarah Grace came into the room riding the Police Car Big Wheeler that Castle bought her before he could speak.

"Hey Uncle Ricky! Auntie Katie! Uncle Javi!" She giggled jumping off her three wheeler and pulled her plastic gun from her holster and pointed it at the three. "Reach for the sky!"

Her Uncle Javi bought her a Police costume one year for Halloween as a joke, complete with handcuffs, gun, and vest, but now he regrets he did. "Sarah Grace!" He scolded. "Guns aren't toys!"

Sarah's eyes widened and she lowered her gun and took a step back from her uncle. "I'm sorry," She whimpered causing Javier to kneel down and pull his niece in for a hug.

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm just upset." He sniffled into her shoulder. Sarah wiped a tear off his eye with her small finger and kissed his cheek gently, "Don't cry, Uncle Javi."

Castle cleared his throat, "Hey, Sarah, can you show me your room?"

The five year old smiled taking his hand, "Silly, you've seen my room!"

"Can't I see it again?" He put a fake smile on his face as she dragged him out of the room.

Soon he found himself in a small pink bedroom surrounded by stuffed animals and dolls everywhere. Kind of like like Little Alexis' room. She dragged him to her bed and showed him every single doll and their name. He tried to keep smiling, but it was getting hard to keep the tears in because he remembered many of her toys from when Kevin had showed him, Beckett and Esposito to get a second opinion if his baby girl would like it.

Some would say that Kevin spoiled her, but like Alexis, she never acted like it. She never asked for more or complain; Kevin brought her toys just because.

At one point she stopped talking and crawled to Castle and whispered in his ear, "Do you wanna know a secret?" Castle nodded so she continued but this time she hopped off the bed and went to her dresser. Pulling out a piece of paper, she smiled. "I'm making this for Daddy as a surprise because he always get me stuff." She handed him the paper and Castle felt the tears fall when he looked at it.

It was a drawing of Kevin and she was next to him holding his hand. "He'll love it." He whispered through tears.

She smiled so proud of her drawing that she didn't notice Castle's crying. "I can't wait to show him."

* * *

"What is going on?" Jenny demanded holding her arms across her chest in worry. "Where's Kevin?"

"Jenny...there was an...accident..." Esposito whispered bringing Jenny in for a hug.

"Just tell me, Javier." She said her voice breaking.

He nodded, "Kevin...he was...shot earlier today saving my life." He cried holding her tighter.

"No!" She yelled pushing him away, "No,"

Beckett took a step forward, "Jenny, we tried, but-"

"Is he in the hospital? I need to apologize for yelling at him. He thinks I'm mad at him." She cried and grabbed her jacket, but Javier shook his head.

"He's gone, Jenny." He couldn't help the sob that escaped his throat.

"Don't lie to me, Javier, Goddamn it!" She yelled backing away from him into a wall.

"I wish I was, but he...he died, Jennifer, I'm sorry." He sobbed into his hands as Jenny slowly lowered to herself to the ground leaning against the wall.

"It's my fault," He wailed. "I should have had his back."

Jenny just sat silently as tears poured down her face. She whispered, "I didn't kiss him goodbye this morning. I barely talked to him. He thinks I hate him."

Javi lifted his head and went to her, "No, he loves you and knows you love him." He stroked her hand.

"I was a bitch to him, Javi." She closed her eyes barley making words out through her sobs, "I made him sleep on the couch and I didn't kiss him and I yelled at him when he was just being sweet and trying to make up for his mistake."

Beckett kneeled down and gave Jenny a small hug, "He didn't blame you, he blamed himself. The only person he was mad at was himself."

Jenny sniffled and lifted her head up, "He died thinking I hate him. If I knew that it would be his last day, I would have never gotten mad and kissed him and held him." She broke down in tears again, "There's so much we didn't do and he's gone now."

Beckett sighed and admitted, "He may be gone and maybe your last time together wasn't as perfect as you'd like it to be, but he loved you and," Beckett reached into her pocket to pull put Ryan's letter. "He wrote this for you."

"He what?"

She smiled and put it in Jenny's hand. "This morning, he wanted to make it up to you and he thought a letter would be a good way to tell you he loved you more than anything." Beckett laughed, "He's no poet, but he sure is Kevin Ryan and you should read it."

Jenny wiped her nose and hesitantly opened the letter and read it in her head. She could still hear her husband's sweet voice.

_Dear Jenny,_

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

_I wish I told Javier I was busy and came home to you because missing one Madden Night is a million times better than you being mad at me._

_I didn't mean that you were any less important than him because you are important._

_You're my wife, my other half, my best friend, my everything._

_I love you more than anything and I know you're mad because I was stupid._

_I'm not writing this because I think we need to prove our love to each other, no, I'm writing this to show you how much you mean to me. How much I would do for you. I'd do any and everything._

_I love you more than you know, Beautiful._

_With endless love,_

_Your Kevin Ryan_

And Jenny cried.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _If I had only known_
> 
> _I'd never hear your voice again_
> 
> _I'd memorize each thing you ever said_
> 
> _And on those lonely nights_
> 
> _I could think of them once more_
> 
> _Keep your words alive inside my head_
> 
> _If I had only known_
> 
> _I'd never hear your voice again_
> 
> _-'If Only I Had Known' Reba McEntire_


	4. Monday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"I believe there are more than Angels watching over me."_
> 
> _~Diamond Rio_
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE**

Javier blinked his eyes and stifled a yawn, but there was no way he was tired.

All night long, he hadn't moved from Kevin's recliner in his living room. He slowly turned his head towards Castle holding Beckett in his arms both asleep.

He sighed and pushed himself off the couch, at least some of them got sleep in this disaster. Every time he closed he eyes, he saw Kevin getting shot and dying in his arms. It brought a whole new definition to the word 'nightmare'.

He shuffled his bare feet into the kitchen and started to pull out coffee grinds and a mug from the top shelf. He would need the caffeine to keep him up.

So many times him and Kevin had used this kitchen to experiment with new recipes they had found on the internet. Now it was just a memory because now he had to make those recipes by  _himself._

He sniffled back a few tears that he wouldn't let spill, when he remembered so many times crashing at Kev's apartment and being forced to make two mugs of coffee for the two because Kevin was not a morning person, especially after only falling asleep at four because they were up all night on Madden.

But now that was all gone. Forever.

He inhaled sharply and grabbed the edge of the counter leaning over trying to steady his breathing.

He was almost calm until a hand on his shoulder made him jump. He turned to see Jenny and he relaxed, "I didn't mean to scare you, Javi." She apologized.

Javier smiled for a second before pulling out another mug, "It's okay, coffee?"

She shook her head, "Nothing right now please. My stomach is still in a knots." She sat down and ran her hands through her messy hair.

"I could make some tea, that should help with settling your stomach." Javier turned on the tea kettle.

"Thanks," She nodded and pulled out the chair next to her, "while you're waiting for the water to boil, there's something I need to talk to you about."

Javi nodded and took his coffee cup now that it had been filled. He sat down next her in the empty seat and placed his hand on hers.

Jenny took in a deep breath and Javier could see tears in her eyes, "I just...wanted to apologize for my behavior the other night." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I shouldn't have acted like such a bitch. I knew it was Madden Night..."

"Don't worry, Jen, really, I don't blame you. Really he should have spent more time with his family." He tried to assure her.

"You're family too, and he said he'd bring you over next time so we could all be together, it was a great idea, but I shot it down because I was jealous."

"Jenny, you don't have any reason to be jealous of  _me._ "

Jenny ignored him and continued, "When we first started dating, do you know how hard it was to have a conversation that didn't involve you? But that was one of the the things I think I secretly loved about him." Jenny smiled before she let her tears fall, "Thank you,"

"For what? I didn't do anything except let him take a bullet."

She picked her head up and turned to him and kissed his cheek, "You did so much more, if only you realized."

Javier was about to speak again when he heard a pair of feet skip into the kitchen. "Uncle Javi?" Sarah Grace smiled taking her thumb out of her mouth, "Did you sleep over?"

"Yeah," He pulled her up and placed her on his lap. "Why are you up so early?" He asked in her ear.

"I help Daddy get ready." She smiled.

Javi tried to hide his breath shuddering and laughed, "I've noticed. You're a master at hair styling, sunshine."

She giggled, "You want a turn?" She jumped off his lap and started to drag him to the hall.

He looked up at Jenny and saw her tears, but she shook her head, "I'm okay, go on, I'll make breakfast."

Javier nodded and allowed himself to get dragged into the fairly small bathroom.

She pushed him in front of the mirror and she used the toilet to climb up onto the counter by the sink.

She opened the mirror/cabinet and pulled out a brush first. She dragged it through his hair even though there wasn't much. She noticed this, "Daddy's is so much easier, it's so long." She laughed and Javi smiled.

"Yeah? Is mine too short?"

"Nope, I'll make it work." She nodded her head seriously and her uncle laughed.

"After I comb his hair, I use the gel." She explained pulling it out, and sticking four fingers in covering them in a mountain of gel.

Javi eyed it warily before clearing his throat, "This is gonna make a mess, isn't it?"

"Just a little." She said before rubbing her hand through his hair with a smile. She pulled and pushed his hair in different directions.

"You're pretty rough," He smiled with a wince when he felt her nails spreading it to his scalp.

"You sound like Daddy, he complains when I do this too." She swatted his head lightly.

And just as fast as Javier had finally had something else on his mind, Kevin was right back in it.

"Uhh, Sarah, I think it's good." He tried to get her away so he didn't start to cry in front of his niece.

She finished up a few last pieces before she put down the gel and smiled, "Almost done, next Daddy does...?" She thought to herself trying to think of what he usually did next in his morning routine. "Ohh!"

She used her sticky hands to dig through the cabinet again and pulled out a glass bottle. "Close your mouth and eyes."

Javier listened and when she sprayed some of his cologne, he took in the smell slowly and almost cried right there because it smelt so much like his partner, it hurt.

"Done!" She smiled and kissed his lips before trapping him in a hug. He slowly returned the hug as tears fell down his cheeks.

She suddenly pulled back and Javier tried to hide his tears, "Oh but when you see Daddy, if he asks who used his stuff, blame Uncle Rick...why are you crying? Don't you like it?" Her voice grew quiet.

Javier wiped his nose and nodded his head, "I love it, sunshine, really, it's nothing."

She nodded and as he looked into her baby eyes that seemed so big on her chubby little face and four the first time in the five years of knowing her, all he could notice was how much she looked like her Dad. Like his partner.

"Hey, leprechaun," He put on a fake smile and tried to convince her he was fine by using his nickname for her he used when he was happy and joking with her. "Why don't you go see if Mom's done with breakfast." He tickled her tummy before lifting her off the counter and placing her on the floor.

She giggled and ran out of the bathroom down the hall. Once she was gone he almost fell on the door trying to close it before he fell into a heap to the floor.

How was he supposed to keep it all together? How was he supposed to stay strong? How was he supposed to keep living without Kevin?

He didn't want to do any of those things...he just wanted Kevin back.

He slammed his head against the bedroom door again and again just wanting this all to end. Why couldn't he have been taken instead of him? His partner has a family! He doesn't have as much.

Kevin was his brother. After work, they went out for a beer, they played Madden, he was dragged to too many of Kevin's family holiday dinners.

He was nothing now more than a detective...nothing more than a broken heart...

He breathed heavily and stood up standing to look at himself in the mirror, he looked like crap to put it nicely.

And it was Ryan's fault. He left him on this planet with nothing. "Nothing!" He yelled without knowing it and before he knew what he was doing, his hand was searching through the cabinet for something that would solve his problems.

"Come on," He growled under his breath until his fingers stumbled upon the orange bottle.

 ***** He plucked it out and his fingers curled around it and a grin spread across his exhausted face because this would make it all better right? This would being him to Kevin?

He pushed down on the cap to try to open it and was about to pour the pills into his hand when a voice from the doorway stopped him.

"What are you doing?"

He almost dropped the bottle, but quickly hid it behind his back so the visitor at the door didn't see.

"What are you doing?" His grip tightened around the pills.

"We heard you yell, Uncle Ricky told me to see if you were okay." She said as she curiously tried to look behind his back. O _h great, now they were all awake._

"Just stubbed my toe." He tried to smile, but she frowned.

"Those are Daddy's." She simply said.

"Huh?" The statement caught him off guard.

"He says they're not candy. He says there for him when he doesn't feel well." She crossed her arms.

"Well, he lets me borrow them and I don't feel well." Esposito avoided the toddler's gaze. He expected her to somehow figure out what he was doing, but she didn't.

She gave him a hug around his knees and said, "Feel better, Uncle Javi, love ya'."

He numbly bent over and kissed the top of her head before skipping out.

His partner left that little girl behind. His little princess behind.  _And it was all his fault._

He looked at the small pile of pills in his hand wondering if it would be enough to do the job. He put his hand on his gun in his belt and something inside of him drew him to thinking that was the answer. Kevin went out with a bullet, why should he get anything less painful?

He just couldn't live with himself knowing Kevin lost his life to save his. Kevin wasted it, considering after he saved his, he wanted to give away. Like if maybe if he prayed hard enough, God would allow a little trade; he would give him his if he gave back Kevin's.

He popped five pills into his mouth to start and dropped the empty bottle in the sick before slipping into his partner's room.

He slipped the gun of his holster and lifted it up, this was the end and he'd be with Kevin forever.

* * *

Sarah joined her mom, aunt and uncle at the table quietly. She started picking at her cereal and turned to her mom, "Mommy, is Uncle Javi sick?"

"No, honey, he's just not been himself lately and that's none of our concern." She was surprised by her daughter's inquiry because they all knew why Javi was really depressed the past day or so. All except Sarah.

"He said he wasn't feeling well..." She whispered sadly into her spoon.

Kate used her finger to brush a piece of hair out of Sarah's face, "We know, beautiful, but just give him his space for now."

She groaned before dropping her spoon into her bowl, "No, it's  _serious!_ " She looked over at her mom. "You remember when Daddy got sick?" She turned from each of the adults to the next. "He got those med'cines?"

Medicine? The pain relievers he had gotten from the doctor after he'd been shot in the leg last year?

Jenny dropped her dish rag and turned to her daughter ignoring Castle and Beckett's confused looks. "How many times has he told you that's not candy, Sarah Grace! You aren't to play with them!"

"I wasn't Mommy!" She groaned shaking her head getting frustrated that no one would listen, "I told Uncle Javi that Daddy said it wasn't candy, but he said Daddy let him borrow them..."

"Oh my God!" Jenny covered her mouth picking her head up to see Castle already running down the hall.

Beckett put her hand on Jenny's shoulder, "It's okay, you stay here with Sarah."

"Kate, Kate, he's gonna OD, you've got to save him. I can't lose him too!" She cried.

"Just stay here!" The more that Jenny said this out loud, the more she was scared. She quickly ran after Castle and saw him leaving the bathroom.

"Empty bottle, but he's not there!" He took a sharp turn into Ryan's bedroom and shoved open the door just in time to see Javier lifting his gun up to his temple.

"Javier!" He yelled running towards him.

Javi didn't even move before he was tackled to the ground by Castle. The writer still running on adrenaline, was able to pin the the detective's arms above his head and keep his legs down.

For once in her life, Beckett stood stunned in the doorway with Javier's gun at her feet. She had been in situations like this, but never was her one of her family on the other side of the gun. She had never felt so helpless.

Castle continued to wrestle the Hispanic detective despite the tears that burned his eyes. He notice him moving around something in his mouth...the pills!

"Spit them out, Javier!" He yelled through tears.

Javier had his eyes squeezed shut as tears flowed out of them, but kept his mouth shut.

Castle gritted his teeth and quickly stuck his finger in Esposito's mouth feelings the pills with his finger. He tried to pull them out, but he wouldn't budge.

"Javier Esposito, spit them out of your fucking mouth or so help me! You have a family! Get your head out of your fucking ass! What will killing yourself do other than cause more pain?!" He yelled watching his throat to make sure it didn't show movement of swallowing.

Espo let out a strangled cry before spitting three pills onto the carpet. He making another choking sob before he dropped the other five from his hand.

"I'm sorry, Rick." He was breathing heavily staring down at the pills scattered in front of him. "I just can't do it anymore!"

Rick pulled him into a hug, trying his best to hold back his tears. "No, stop, we can do this-together-just hang in there. He's gone, but you taking your life won't make it any better."

Javier pushed back weakly, "I don't want to, not without him." He wiped his nose with the back of his hand slowly.

"Just hang in there." Castle repeated not knowing what to say.

Javier shook his head, "Castle, you don't understand-"

"The Hell I don't! He's my brother too! I love him too, but I'm not gonna go swallow pills to try and make it all better!" He looked wide eyed at the detective who only leaned back staring at the ceiling.

"He saved my life, Castle. He's dead because I couldn't fucking take care of myself. My partner is dead because of me!" He screamed going back into a hysterical state of mind.

"He did that because your his partner! He had your back!" Castle yelled back.

"Then why didn't I have his?!" Javier screamed even louder as he stared in Castle's blue eyes that were much too similar to Ryan's.

Castle's eyes softened and he whispered, "Is that what this is all about? Not having his back? Not having his back would be killing yourself because how the Hell are you supposed to take care of Jenny and Sarah if you're dead? Huh? Jenny said it herself that she can't lose you too and Sarah came out worried that there was something wrong with her Uncle because he was downing pills. You wanna have his back? Now's your chance to step up to the plate. He told you to take care of those two. That's having his back."

Javier looked up at Castle and didn't say anything; he only stared into Castle's eyes before he pushed himself back up and wrapped his arms around the writer, "I'm sorry." He repeated a few times before Castle shook his head, "Just please don't scare any of us like that again."

He looked around, "I gotta...I gotta go apologize to Sarah...she shouldn't have seen me like that..."

He groaned trying to push himself up but his eyes kept falling closed.

Castle's eyes widened slapping the detective's face, "Espo!" He shook him lightly before he finally reopened his eyes.

"Wha..?" He groaned.

"Did you swallow any of those pills?!" He pressed two fingers against his neck feeling for a pulse.

"Mmm, one, m'ybe two." He rubbed his face.

Castle pulled him up, "Let's go get you on the couch and ask Jenny how serious they are..." He looked over at Beckett and she slowly shook out of her daze and came to Castle's side.

The two walked the the half-conscious detective out of the room into the living room.

When Jenny saw him, she lunged herself onto him crying loudly, "Javier don't you ever do that again!" She pulled back to give him a harsh glare, but she grew confused when she saw him.

"Jenny, how strong are these?"

"What?"

"How many did Kevin usually take?" Castle repeated.

Jenny nodded, "Oh, well, they were his painkillers for when he got shot last Fall. Usually took one each night, but if the pain was too much he usually took two to pass out for a few hours." She rubbed her nose with a tissue and her eyes widened. "How many did he take...?!"

"One or two," Castle let out a sigh of relief laying down Javier onto the cushions.

Jenny stared down at him anxiously before whispering, "I should have gotten rid of those, I was just afraid of Kevin getting hurt again."

Castle brought her in for a hug, "It's not your fault, you even taught Sarah not to play with them. Javier is just lost right now..." He patted her back before pulling away.

"Listen, no one finds out about this." Beckett finally spoke up. "If one person finds out that Espo tried to..." She nodded when she looked down at Sarah Grace. "you know, they'll label him unstable and he'll probably be sent to some mental home because they will push it on him with questions." She tucked his gun in her belt, "He's different, he never talks about all his problems, he gets over them by moving on..." She shook her head, "I've never seen him like this before, not even with Ike, but this is Ryan and it doesn't surprise me..." She shook her head.

"It's gonna be difficult for all of us, but we have to help him through it." Castle sighed looking at the unconscious detective to the other two women. "Coffee?" He offered weakly.

* * *

 ****** The day went by slowly, fidgeting and dosing off only to be woken back up by a nightmare for all of them.

Sarah had stolen a nap on Javier's chest as he got the sleep that he deprived his body of last night.

Beckett was staring down at her tea (Caste refused to make another cup of coffee after her fourth) as Jenny and Castle silently sat besides her, all three lost in thought.

"I don't think I've been that scared in a long time..." Beckett whispered.

Castle and Jenny both looked up at the sudden voice.

"Kevin's death was scary, but...some part of me knew...back there as you wrestled him I had no idea what was going to happen. And for once I couldn't do anything. I felt like there was nothing I could do to change Javier's mind." She looked tearfully up at Castle, "If it wasn't for you...I don't think we would have saved him tonight..." She let her tears silently drip down her nose and plop almost gracefully into her tea.

"That's what partners are for, right?" Castle smiled squeezing her hand. "I'm always here for you."

It was silent for a moment or so more, the clock on the wall that read 5:45 was ticking slowly.

"What are we supposed to do...?" Jenny's soft voice interrupted the clock.

"With what?" Beckett refocused her gaze on the widow.

"Our life?" She said sadly, "Kevin is gone and I don't think I fully understand that. It feels like he's just on overtime, and I keep telling myself he'll be home soon." She wiped her eyes. "I wish I'd stop because I'm tired of getting my hopes up...and having my heart smashed to pieces again and again." She sighed, "I haven't even told Sarah Grace," She finally let the tears fall. "He wanted to do so much with her, he always told me about everything he was gonna teach her, the books she was gonna read with him and movie he had to see her reaction to when they watched. And now she won't even have a Daddy."

Her head fell to the table and her shoulders shook uncontrollably. It was like a cruel fate for this immediate family, Beckett's mom had been murdered, Castle's Dad wasn't there for his childhood and still is hardly there and Javi's Dad abandoned him and his mother. Of course, Sarah Grace had to lose her father.

"Well, Jenny, my mom was murdered and sometimes...I know it's hard; it's going to be just as hard with Kevin, but I still ended up pretty well. With a husband, two brothers, a sister and a beautiful niece." She sighed, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that he won't be here physically, but neither was my mom and with people around me I managed to get through it everyday. I still do."

Jenny sighed trying to calm her breathing, "I'm gonna miss him  _so much_." She started to cry again and Beckett rubbed her back, not daring to say anything more because it wasn't fair of he to try and justify why this man was ripped their lives.

"His wake is in two days and then his funeral. I still have to get so much done," She bowed her head on the table, "I'm gonna tell Sarah Grace tomorrow," She sniffled. "She deserves to know before she sees him. I just hope she understands."

Castle gave her an empathetic frown just imagining someone explaining to little Alexis that he was dead. She was mature for her age, she'd understand what happened. And for once Castle wasn't so sure about something that seemed so much like common sense until you thought about it.

Was it better to understand death or to question it's intentions?

* * *

He had written many deaths in his novels, but he began to rethink his character's reactions. Is that really something they would do?

There was no way of knowing though, everyone coped differently and that made everything just a bit harder.

Javier groaned rubbing his eyes tiredly, he felt a heavy weight on his chest, like he couldn't breath.

Did he do it? The last thing he thinks happened was being tackled by Castle and he lost his gun, but he still had pills in his mouth. Maybe he swallowed those?

That would explain the pain on his chest and the amount of energy it took to open his eyes. Weren't you supposed to be healed when you went to Heaven? Or maybe God didn't forgive him for taking his life.

_That means he's even father from Kevin._

"He's moving." He heard a voice that sounded a lot like Castle's. How did Castle get here too?

"Give him room, Castle." Beckett too?

"Sarah is the one on top of him!" Castle whined.

No! He didn't hurt Sarah did he? She didn't try to follow in his footsteps hopefully? Why else would she be  _here_!?

He groaned again and slowly opened one eye trying to figure this all out.

"C'stle..." He groaned and looked down to his chest to see Sarah Grace sleeping in his arms.

Maybe she was okay...maybe he just didn't-

"Javi!" Jenny practically cried leaning over and kissed his cheeks. "Oh my God, you're okay." She sobbed.

"I didn't...?" He trailed off hugging Sarah tighter as she began to wake up.

"Not with us around." Castle said, still looking angry, not that he blamed her.

Javi sighed and nodded his head, "Thanks Castle, I'm sorry for overreacting."

Castle shook his head, "You already apologized to us, you were giving one to a certain princess before you passed out." He looked down at the toddler sucking her thumb on his chest.

Tears fell down his face as he turned to look at the toddler in his arms. She looked so innocent wrapped in her blanket with her blonde twirls peeking out.

"I'm sorry I lied to you, Sarah, I won't ever do it again. I don't know what I was thinking...I wasn't thinking at..." He rubbed her back and tried to use her presence as a comfort.

"Were you trying to go with him...?" She asked.

"What?"

"Daddy, he told me that you were trying to see him, but I needed you more." She didn't look anyone in the eye as she fumbled with Javier's button.

"He said he was our guardian angel...he would always be watching..." She explained quietly.

Nobody moved, they were all silent and just stared down at the five year old.

"How do you know this...?" Javi finally asked.

"He told me in my dream. Just like the first time." She shrugged her shoulders.

"This has happened before?" Castle asked getting interested.

The blonde turned her head and looked towards Castle, "Yeah, the other night. He said he had to leave for a while, but I'd see him again. I asked if I could go, but he said Mommy needed me here."

Jenny covered her mouth and shook her head, "That's not possible is it?"

Castle shrugged his shoulders, "Scientists have proven that kids are much more vulnerable, so to speak, to spirits." He looked at the other adults, "So yes, it is very possible."

Jenny laid her head back down when the conversation didn't interest her and Javier stared down at her, wishing he was her age so he could talk to Kevin too. Just like the other three. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Now the oak trees are swaying_
> 
> _In the early autumn breeze_
> 
> _A golden sun is shining on my face_
> 
> _Through tangled thoughts_
> 
> _I hear a mockingbird sing_
> 
> _This old world really ain't that_
> 
> _Bad of a place_
> 
> _Oh why, there's no comprehending_
> 
> _And who am I to try to_
> 
> _Judge or explain_
> 
> _Oh, but I do have one_
> 
> _Burning question_
> 
> _Who told you life wasn't_
> 
> _Worth the fight_
> 
> _They were wrong, they lied_
> 
> _Now you're gone and we cry_
> 
> _'Cause it's not like you to_
> 
> _Walk away_
> 
> _In the middle of a song_
> 
> _Your beautiful song_
> 
> _Your absolutely beautiful song_
> 
> _-'Why' Rascal Flatts_
> 
> **Okay, number one, the whole "Daddy told me" isn't some ghost story. It's her dream, so he's not like with her and she doesn't become friends with his ghost. It's a simple little thing that doesn't really happen a lot. I hope that ckears it up; THIS ISN'T A GHOST STORY!**
> 
> **fun fact- That was based off my sister's reaction when we were 6 and my Grandmother passed. She came down the stairs saying Grandma said she was leaving and she asked to go with her, but Grandma said no. Kinda weird, but writers need inspiration from somewhere, right?**
> 
> **This is also also my way of telling you guys that I love you. Whether you review, favorite, follow, read it or even hate it, you're important and if you're going through some difficult times please hang in there because it gets better. I myself both depressed and suicidal know the thoughts that run through your heads at times, but don't give up. It's not pretty or beautiful; I am in no way trying to say that, it is Hell and I wouldn't want anyone to feel like I do sometimes. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here. Just PM me and we'll talk.**


End file.
